What's in a word?

My wife has been having an increasingly difficult problem with basic functioning.  On days when I am at the office and she is home with the kids, the emotional state in the house is horrible when I get home.  When I travel, it takes a week to get some balance back into the house upon my return.

She just doesn't have the patience to deal with our kids, or the ability to observe what's happening and to adapt to that.

The girls are total daddy's girls, but that's to be expected when I am the primary care taker and attention provider.  In the morning, my wife checks her email and phone messages before even saying hi to the kids often.  

We were talking about computer stuff tonight - and she laughed when she told me that she uses a derivative of "my three drama queens" for one of her log-ins.  One of mine is also about our girls - "My three girls are really great".  I told her that and she was quiet for a few seconds. 


It's just rather sad that she has to keep reminding herself, even when away from her kids, that she is having difficulties with them. I much prefer to focus on the positive so when I see my kids, I am re-energized and happy to be with them and see them.

Reading list

I guess I lied at the bottom of my earlier post... 

It is either this blog - which gives me an outlet, or cleaning the house because my wife has found yet another reason to not clean - actually, to not even be in the house - on the night before the cleaners come. 

So I can clean the house enough so the cleaners can at least sweep/mop the floors (note "Clean" in this case just means that I pile every box on top of each other, and add more piles from the floor on top of the piles already on the furniture).  Why should I do it?  Because my wife is blind to this stuff and I and my children can't live in a total sty. 

In between cleaning bursts, I'll add here. 


Recommended books:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0966036646/ref=oss_product
Understanding Women With AD/HD

Kathleen G. Nadeau

Sold by: Amazon.com, LLC

 

This is a collection of different magazine articles and papers.  It was very insightful to me because I learned that many of my wife's bizarre behaviors are actually quite common in adults with ADD or AD/HD.  For example - not knowing right from left, and getting sleep patterns completely flipped topsy turvy (did I just write "topsy turvy"??) are very common traits.  There was lots of other information too, providing lots of insight.  No answers, but a bit of understanding.   

 

and..

Women with Attention Deficit Disorder: Embrace Your Differences and Transform Your Life

Sari Solden, et al

Sold by: Amazon.com, LLC

 

Which covers some very good material including - most importantly to me perhaps, the five stages that a person who is dealing with their ADD goes through.   Like grief, it starts with denial and ends in acceptance.  

After reading these books from cover to cover, and some other books and resources too, after eight months, I finally had the precise opportunity to give them to my wife.  When I presented her (at 2am because she was still very awake then - see the topsy turvy comment above) with the bag that the books were in (it was a nice gift bag), before she saw the contents she said "what did you get me, books on ADD?"  So she has been thinking about this.

To my surprise, she read this second book.  Of course she came away with "none of this applies to me, it only applies to my sister"  (talk about cherry picking!!).  I keep reminding myself that: 

a.  she bothered to read the book.

b.  the book notes that denial is the first phase. 

Now, I just wait and watch for signs that she may be moving through the other phases to ultimately - after months or years, arrive at acceptance.  

I'm not particularly religious, but I'll take any help in getting her headed the right direction! 

Good night

Just me

Kids can say the sweetest things

The other night, I was holding my two year old before her bed time (I handle the bedtime routine... and the morning routine... and the routine routine).  She looked me in the eye, put one hand on each cheek so she was sure I was looking and listening, and then she said "Daddy, you're the bestest!!!" 

It was so rewarding to hear that someone appreciated me.

No bitching tonight - just reveling in her words. 

Bad gifts for a hoarder (or their children)

Here's a list of gifts that just are a bad idea for hoarders -
1.  Roomba- you may think "this is great, I'll get an automatic cleaning machine to help this person with a messy house!"  Bzzzzttt... Sorry.  Roomba's require a clutter-free floor in order to do their work.  The floor of a hoarder will only look clutter-free when:  a.  guests are coming.    b.  All of the crap has been piled in the bedroom (or other places) behind closed doors.

2.  Ride on toys:  Ride on toys require, like the Roomba, space - relatively little furniture to fill the place up, and no clutter.  Those little wheels don't do too well when faced with just a little thing in the way.

More to follow..

My house...

So - what makes me qualified to talk about ADD, hoarding and other unpleasant stuff?  What can I show that indicates that someone in the family has issues?

I know...

I keep waiting for the producer of TV's hoarders to knock on my door.  My house is filled with stuff.  But, it's not garbage or spoiled food or other really yucky stuff that we shudder when we hear about. Instead, here we have boxes and boxes and boxes and piles and piles and more piles of clothes, clothes, shoes, more shoes, (I'm guessing about 200 pair for the kids only), more clothes, baby carriers (more than 30 and fewer than 50 baby carriers..), strollers and other devices to cart kids around in (at least a dozen), pots, pans, kitchen gadgets, and a collection of kids craft stuff that would make anyone envious...  if you could only find the stuff and if you could only have a place to sit.

The dining table is piled with crap, there isn't a chair/sofa/love seat available in the house (except the office chair from which I'm typing this and a couple of dining table chairs.  There is no room on the floor for the kids to play, or for dad to roll around and play with them.  Ride-on toys for the girls don't work very well when you don't have any clear floor space.  I could go on, but I'll just breath ...

Now..

  

Let me just scream at the top of my frustrated lungs..  

THIS IS NO ENVIRONMENT FOR CHILDREN TO BE RAISED IN!!! 

 and yes...  this is the disaster with me doing as much as I can to keep it at bay.  It's like trying to fight a lava flow that approaches your house.. it just isn't possible.  

What is this blog about?

I am a 40-something year old male who has been married to a woman - who has adult ADD, anxiety, hoarding, and many other things - for nearly ten years.  We have three children, all under the age of five.

Life hands many people challenges, and I guess this is what I've been dealt.

I've created this blog to serve as an outlet for me.  I hope to be mostly coherent and constructive or at least supportive to other people whose spouses have ADD.  At other times I will just need to vent, rant and release anger or emotion that has no other outlet.

Ride along with me on this crazy life -

Just me